To go or not to go

On October 2, there’s going to be a concert. I’m not sure if I’m going or not.

Because this is a concert I might have been part of.

And I just might be immature enough not to be able to handle being there very well.

I once offered to another musician that if he ever wanted some dulcimer on any of his stuff, I’d be pleased to play. He mentioned this dulcimer player who would be in the area this fall, and would I be interested in doing a show with them. I found this idea rather intimidating — as I tend to find lots of things — and said so but also said yes, please count me in and let me know what happens.

Nothing for weeks.

Then an announcement from the dulcimer player: here’s the concert date, and I’d love to do a workshop, would you pass the word to your dulcimer club, thanks.

I guess I’m not going to be in the show.

Is it because I admitted being intimdated, and they figured they didn’t want to work with someone who is that easily scared?

Is it because they don’t like the way I think, the things I believe, or other aspects of my personality?

Is it because they don’t think my music is up to par?

Is it because they just wanted to keep things simple and not get involved in something new?

Then I get the official email “poster” for the event, with all the details. It’ll be mainly the dulcimer player, who also sings and plays flute and guitar, and also the other musician will do a set, and then — then there will be “jamming and singing.”

If I go, do I stay for the jam? Can I join in the jam without feeling defensively self-promotional and competitive?

Not knowing how they feel about me and my music creates all this anxiety and uncertainty; I have no idea how to behave, how to think, what attitude or expectations to have, if I decide to go.

Will I ever grow up?